Video

Well ourStory begins, you know, with old St. Augustine. Way back in days of old he reported on this theme:A mighty emperor had caught himself a pirate whoWas a-terrorizin' people who were sailin' on the open seas.ALEXANDER THE GREAT: What meanest thou by keeping hostile possession of the sea?PIRATE: What meanest thou by seizing the whole earth; because I do it with a petty ship, I'm called a robber, whilst thou who dost the same with a great fleet art styled emperor.NARRATOR: And old St. Augustine thought that was a pretty smart answer!'Cause there arepirates and emperors, but they're really the same thingWhen they go and try to reach the same ends By using the same means.Well they do it bigor they do it smallFrom a little tiny boat,or from hallowed halls.Bully is as bully does, that's plain to see.NARRATOR: Speaking of bullies, what would you say about a gang of vicious, low-down thugs who were trying to overthrow the government by attacking undefended civilian targets like schools, farms, hospitals, & outreach centers?UNCLE SAM: Why, I'd say they were terrorists![BUZZER SOUND and SUPER: "Wrong!"]NARRATOR: I'm sorry, the correct answer is "Freedom Fighters." At least that's what you called THESE thugs, a.k.a. the Contras, when you funded their campaign of terror and indiscriminate killing to overthrow the government of Nicaragua!There was trouble in the land of Nicaragua in the '80's, it's true.And Uncle Sam has always said this kind of thing just really won't do.So he paid for a bag full of dirty tricksAnd turned killers into heroes with a P.R. blitzWell freedom's sure a funny word for what the Contras did do.Y'know there arepirates and emperors but they're really the same thingEven the ones who say they just wanna let freedom ring.Well they do it big or they do it smallBut only one goes down when they break the lawWhile the Big One claims "This really don't apply to me"NARRATOR: The funny thing about "pirates" and "emperors" is that they often start out as pals who get into a tiff somehow and end up enemies.KID: You mean like Lex Luthor and Superman!NARRATOR: Yeah, except Lex Luthor was a nice guy before he lost all his hair, whereas Manuel Noriega, Sadam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were all known thugs and mass-murderers when they were on Uncle Sam's payroll. That's why they got the job! Either that, or Uncle Sam is just a really bad judge of character.UNCLE SAM: I don't understand why this keeps happening to me?!Well not so long ago we thought Saddam here was a pretty swell guyAnd we helped him get the goods to make the Ayatollah Khomeini cryBut Uncle Sam decided it was not Saddam's fateTo be the leader of his Middle Eastern client stateThat was sitting on top of a big huge oil supply.Big and little thugs got thuggery in commonEven if one's got stars and stripes on 'im.Bully is as bully does, that's plain to see.'Cause if it looks like a duckAnd acts like a duck,And quacks like a duck,It probably is a duck.You know a rose is a roseno matter how much it stinks.DUCK: I resent that comment.I'm not a duck, I'm an anti-duck!I'm a counter-duck!Well I'm more of a mallard really...Why, I'm fighting a War on Ducks!Any ducks come around here, I'm gonna blast 'em!THE END